


The Weight of Living

by Kai01



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Akaashi Keiji Is So Done, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Developing Relationship, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Mess, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, University, hopefully
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 18:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20214529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kai01/pseuds/Kai01
Summary: "I stand in the shower a little longerAsking those droplets of waterTo wash away my pain"-Sara SinghalBokuto's parents expectations suffocate him everyday. They press against his chest, refusing to leave. Never good enough, worthless, brat. Words echo in his head and linger for awhile, just in case he forgot about them. Kuroo and Akaashi worry and they watch their best friend spiral to the point of no return. Skin and bones and barely able to keep tears from flooding his eyes every night, Bokuto throws himself into the endless black pit. The weight on his chest leaves for a moment, and he can't go back now.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags for possible triggers!!!

Exhausted couldn't even touch how Bokuto felt right now, his head buried in his math book and _ god _ why couldn't he make sense of any of this? Bokuto was really good with numbers shit. Like, _ really _ good. Math was his thing, he actually enjoyed it. Still, 3 am study sessions wasn't doing anything to help him enjoy this. Math was easy, but tonight it was just… ugh… Kuroo popped into the room, looking absolutely exhausted.

"Bokuto, bro, it's 3 am, put that damn thing away and sleep. Akaashi's bout to come smother you." he yawned, barely keeping his eyes open.

"I know, I know… I just can't focus… none of this makes sense and I have to have this done for my class at 7!" Bokuto wailed dramatically.

"It's 3 in the morning, Bokuto," Kuroo said dryly. "Of course nothing's going to make sense, your brain's probably mush right now."

A heavy knock from the door made the two jump two feet in the air, though Kuroo's was more from sleep deprivation than fear. Akaashi was telling them to go the hell to bed, and for once, Kuroo couldn't have agreed with him more. It was too early for this shit. Bokuto let out a resigned huff, turning off his desk lamp and shutting his books. His roommates couldn't have felt more relieved.

* * *

"You didn't show up to practice, Bokuto-san." Bokuto knew that voice. Had Akaashi already finished classes for the day?

"Sorry…" it wasn't sincere, anyone could tell that much.

Akaashi spared his friend a worried glance. "How did your exam go? You were up late last night." there was slight annoyance in his tone, but he tried to keep it to a minimum.

"I got a 73/100…" 

Really? That wasn't even his worst grade… "That's good, Bokuto-san."

"My parents are gonna_ kill _ me, Kaashi…" 

"Excuse me?"

"They're only paying for me to go here if I get good grades… I'm_ dead _… I should've studied more, I had the time… what if they make me move back home?" 

Akaashi looked shocked for a moment, before returning to his neutral face. Bokuto's parents had paid for him to go to college with the agreement that he'd get a law degree and he'd keep his grades up. It was hard on him, the pressure from his parents. He'd rather have gotten a photography major, not law. That wasn't his choice, it seemed. Follow his parents' expectations or he'd be forced back home. God, how'd he live like this?

* * *

It was 12 am, not even that late. Muffled sobs came from Bokuto's room and Akaashi felt his stomach sink. Bokuto _ never _cried. The door creaked open and Akaashi walked over to Bokuto's bedside, moving aside the probably long forgotten text books. Silence hung heavy in the air, aside from the sobs wracking Bokuto's body and the occasional hiccup. Gentle hands rubbed soothing circles into his back, remaining silent until the sobs quieted down and he was left with just a hiccuping Bokuto. The boy slowly looked up at him before quickly turning his head away almost in shame.

"'m sorry I woke you up…" and _ god _ Akaashi hoped he'd never have to hear his best friend sound so broken like this again.

"I was awake." was his simple reply.

"I probably look pathetic right now, huh?" he chuckled joylessly.

"You look stressed. And exhausted."

The tension was so thick you could slice it.

"How long has it been since you slept?"

Bokuto shrugged, "Three days, I think…"

"You need to take care of yourself, Bokuto-san."

"I know, Kaashi."

* * *

Kuroo was rambling about something that happened in lab earlier and Bokuto really couldn't find it in him to care. He didn't seem to care about much lately, it seemed. Volleyball didn't excite him like it used to, Akaashi and Kuroo couldn't believe it when he said he was thinking about dropping out of the team. Nothing mattered to him anymore, nothing except what his parents wanted. His friends grew more concerned about the usually childish owl every day. Bokuto didn't care. Didn't even notice.

Lunches became tense when Bokuto refused to eat. Eating wasn't important, he just needed to study. Everything spiraled from there. He walked around smelling like sweat and dirty laundry once he stopped showering and doing laundry. Weakened from his lack of eating, Bokuto rarely left his room anymore. That was fine, gave him more time to study. Akaashi and Kuroo desperately tried to make him eat, going so far as leaving food on his bed. Hell, Kuroo tried to force feed him once. It didn't work, nothing ever seemed to anymore. Not his emotions, not his will to live, not his brain.

* * *

"Bokuto-san, pack some clothes." Akaashi had come into his room late at night, though he was already doing the task he'd given Bokuto.

"Why?" Bokuto rasped.

"Kuroo-san and I are driving you to the hospital." he packed Bokuto's things neatly into an old backpack and slung it over his shoulder.

"What?!" Bokuto wailed, nearly passing out from the effort to stand up and face Akaashi. "I'm fine, Kaashi! My grades are good, what else do I need?"

"Food, sleep, water, showers…" 

Kuroo came in, slinging Bokuto over his shoulder, not that he could do much to fight back in this state. He sat him gently in the passenger seat and buckled him in while Akaashi threw his things in the back and climbed into a seat. The drive to the hospital was silent, no one daring to speak. What had he done wrong? Were they mad at him? The old van pulled up to the hospital, Akaashi hopping out with Bokuto's things and grabbing a wheelchair for said boy. Kuroo hauled him into it before going to park, Akaashi wheeling him inside and going to check in at the front desk.

* * *

The nurses ran all sorts of tests on him, each one bringing back more concerning results than the last. Why was he _ here _? His grades were better, why weren't they happy for him? He didn't have to move back home anymore..!

"How long has he been like this?" the nurse turned to look at his two _ very _concerned friends.

"A week..?" Kuroo said, unsure. Akaashi nodded his agreement.

The nurse pursed her lips. "We'll have to admit him and get him on some fluids. Hopefully we can get him to eat some."

Kuroo let out a bitter laugh. Get Bokuto to eat? Yeah, right. Good luck lady.

"Will he be alright..?" Akaashi asked, chewing at his bottom lip.

"He's in horrible condition right now, and I'm afraid there's only so much we can do to make someone who doesn't seem to have a will to live to eat. He'll probably be spending some time in the psych ward once we've treated him."

Akaashi looked over at the fallen captain. Where muscle once was, there was none. His cheeks had hollowed out and his eyes seemed to sink into his skull. Akaashi wanted to hug him, to beg him to _please_ _just eat_. But he wouldn't listen. Bokuto was gone, leaving behind a hollow body without anything left but his parents' expectations.


	2. Chapter 2

His parents never came to visit. Kuroo and Akaashi made sure to come by every day after school, however. Kuroo brought cards among various other things to entertain Bokuto while Akaashi would just talk idly about anything that came to mind. Akaashi had really good stories, Bokuto thought. A hand slapping harshly down on the small pile of cards snapped him out of his thoughts quickly, giving a panicked glance around the room before realizing it was just Kuroo being  _ far  _ more aggressive than he needed to be with Egyptian Rat Slap.

"Jeez, you're slow!" Kuroo laughed, drawing the pile towards himself and setting down a queen.

Bokuto shrugged and absentmindedly put down two cards. It'd taken a week before they were allowed to visit Bokuto, and even then it was never a long visit. Nothing creeped the once energetic boy out like hospitals, especially if he were the one being admitted. Hospitals meant something was wrong, that a part of you needed fixed. Bokuto didn't need help, he needed to study. He could practically hear Akaashi lecturing him about that thought and shuddered. 

"I finished another book yesterday." Akaashi said, the overthinking radiating off of their best friend.

"That really science-y one with time travel?" Bokuto asked, staring intently back at him.

Akaashi nodded. "Not exactly, but yes, that one. Have you finished the one I lent you?"

"Almost, I think… it gets a bit confusing though. How the heck do you follow the plot and all those terms? It's basically a book for the geniuses of the world, like you or Kuroo." Bokuto pouted, drumming his fingers against the table.

"It is a hard plot to follow, I dunno how this guy enjoys it, I can barely understand it!" Kuroo whined for dramatic effect.

"It's easier to read if you let go of the technicalities." Akaashi said.

Bokuto only ever asked for the book because of the way Akaashi's eyes sparkled when he talked about it. Of course it had a bunch of smart people stuff. And not even math! It was science!  _ Science _ , Kuroo's shit! The fact that even he didn't get it said a lot about Akaashi's taste in books. Bokuto honestly didn't see the appeal of any of it, but it made Akaashi happy, so it made him happy.

"Coach is gonna have your  _ ass _ when you get back!" Kuroo said, making Bokuto wince and Akaashi glare.

"I told you to tell him I wasn't coming back…" his voice was hopeless, like he'd resigned himself to live like this.

"We did! Well, Akaashi did, but he wouldn't take that for an answer. Pretty sure that's the first time I saw Mr. Pretty here fear for his life."

Bokuto let out something that resembled a laugh. Poor Akaashi probably got an earful from the coach. Said boy huffed and started gathering the stuff Kuroo had brought. Visitor hours were over, they had to leave. Bokuto didn't want them to go. Every morning he missed the smell of Akaashi's cooking and how he always had to rush to morning practice because for God's sake this boy couldn't manage time to save for his life.

* * *

Bokuto laid in bed, running his mind through the story Akaashi had told him earlier. The setter had told him all about what'd happened when Kenma and Hinata came over. How Kenma was listening to Kuroo whine about exams while Hinata gawked at how big the university was. A draft swept through his room, making him miss the warmth of his heated blanket. Heavy eyes fluttered shut, a shaky breath escaping his lips. Too many things reminded him of their cramped apartment. He missed their shitty apartment and Kuroo's dumb cat and Akaashi's cooking and the smell of fresh laundry or coffee in the morning. Most importantly, he missed the sense of safety he felt with his two friends. Never before had he felt so vulnerable, alone. God, he just wanted to leave…

* * *

" _ What _ were you  _ thinking _ ?" venom dripped from his voice, blue eyes sending daggers directly towards the other.

Kuroo shrugged, "I was just telling him the truth."

"He's not in the right state to be told those things, Kuroo-san. I'm sure he's well aware of the lecture he'll be getting without you telling him."

"Just… listen, I'll fix it when he comes back, alright?"

"You can't just-" he sighed, using all the restraint he had to not smack a hand against his forehead. "Please, just don't mention anything that will further stress him out."

Things never go as planned, however, and of _course_ nobody listened to Akaashi. That would be too simple, right? Of course it would be. Thus, here they were, being practically dragged out of the room as Bokuto started shaking and sobbing violently. Hey, let's not listen to the only one with a brain in this house, that seems like a good idea! Akaashi sighed in annoyance, glaring at Kuroo who smiled sheepishly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: graphic descriptions of anxiety attacks! Please don't read if those things trigger you

Nobody told him things would be this hard. All you hear is how great college is; parties, one night stands, falling in love. They never talked about the nights you fell asleep at 4 am because the professors don't understand your life doesn't revolve around their class. Nobody told him you'd be going to 6 am lectures, hungover and wishing you were anywhere but listening to the monotone voice of your economic professor.

They told you all about the friends you'd make and all the great times you'd share. Never the bad.

But, one of the biggest things that was never told, was the anxiety and depression that so often came with this.

Bokuto should've been falling asleep to some random stranger in his bed, not the endless thoughts reminding him that he _ isn't wanted here. _ Some mornings he wished he was able to bounce into the kitchen to enjoy Akaashi's cooking instead of feeling like iron balls were weighing him down as he dragged himself to the first shower he's had all week. Kuroo and Akaashi hoped his thank yous would stop coming out as apologies, that talking in front of people would stop feeling like acid burning his throat.

College was supposed to make everything better, he was supposed to be free from his parents and be able to do what he wanted. It was supposed to fix everything, fix _ him. _

Bokuto's lungs couldn't seem to take in oxygen, his body forgetting the simplest of things as anxiety's hands pressed against his throat, because why breathe if breathing means feeling like this? His heart pounded against his rib cage, trying to escape his chest. The world blurred together in a horrifying existence of anxiety, plugs seemingly clogging his ears because no matter what he did, all he heard was the words in his head screaming. Out, he needed out, he needed to just go to his room and hide under the blankets because that worked for the monsters under his bed as a kid.

Muffled words came and went, probably trying to calm him down, demanding him to see reason. He could, but reason was along the horizon and the world was spinning, blurring his sight, refusing him the ability to grasp it.

Time felt distorted, how long had it been? Years, he thought, because how could it truly have just been fifteen minutes? Bokuto couldn't remember anything, just the anxiety crawling on his skin and the vague memory of Akaashi and Kuroo being urged out of the room. His nurse told him he'd had an anxiety attack, that they had to give him a sedative. Movements felt sluggish, he tried to blink away the fog in his mind, but he knew it'd be there for awhile.

In the back of his mind he knew he should be worried about how his parents would react, or how he'd probably be like this for the rest of his life, but he couldn't find it in him to care. Everything was too much, so he just let his head fall against the pillow and drifted to sleep.

It was the first peaceful sleep he'd had in awhile. Most nights he woke up from nightmares, his body refusing to let him go back to sleep. Honestly, part of him didn't want to. Falling back asleep meant another nightmare, and Bokuto wasn't sure how many more he could take. He groggily made his way to breakfast, finishing the god awful eggs and greedily gulping down the water. Distantly, he could see the faint smile of his two best friends after he would tell them that.

Kuroo and Akaashi had always been there, encouraging him to recover. It felt dumb, how Kuroo would ruffle his disheveled hair and Akaashi would offer a small genuine smile after Bokuto would tell them how much he ate or how he didn't have nightmares that night, but they were genuinely happy for him. They cared about him, and sometimes he needed someone to do that when he couldn't do it for himself. They were the ones who had clung desperately to the tiniest glimpse of who Bokuto once was, because it gave them hope.

Sometimes, hope was all they had, and that had to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason this sight keeps putting the same thing as the first chapter down here so yea?? I'm not always complaining about being tired and in pain, I swear. Also I joined a club that tries to make mental health a less stigmatized issue and I wrote a poem for it about my anxiety, which this chapter is very closely based off of. And y'all can comment on the chapters, idc what as long as it's not just straight up rude. Seriously, this is like the least comment active work I have


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short I'm sorry-

Akaashi had become busy with university; Bokuto couldn't blame him, he knew how busy he got when his literature professor decided to drop a bunch of projects on him at once. Still, it didn't help ease the pang in his chest as Kuroo hastily explained it.

Bokuto would be going back home with Kuroo today. Despite everything, he made it. It took a lot of effort on his part, but he was finally going back home with his best friends. 

"What's with that look on your face?" he could basically hear the smirk in Kuroo's voice.

"I'm just happy, man!" Bokuto beamed at his best bro.

"It's good to have you back, Bo." he dug through his pockets for the car keys, pulling out various crumpled up receipts in the process.

The car ride home was silent aside from the old-timey rock that Kuroo insisted they listened to. As God awful as he found it, Bokuto couldn't help but smile at the antics. Kuroo would whine to an exasperated Akaashi about how he doesn't understand his "fine tastes" while Bokuto made jabs at how horribly off pitch the singers sounded. Truly, he was convinced singers in the 80's didn't know what a range was, because they surely weren't singing in theirs. 

Kuroo pulled the keys out after doing a passable parking job, making sure to stick his tongue out at the owl-esque friend before getting out. Bokuto slung his bag over his shoulder, following Kuroo into their crappy apartment. Hey, when you're fitting three struggling college students into a single place, you take what you can get.

Kuroo took a solid five minutes unlocking the door, mumbling about how they shouldn't have to lock it when he leaves considering he's the only one who can't get the damn thing to open, despite him having been the one to lock it. The old door creaked as it was aggressively thrown open, Bokuto immediately making a beeline for the giant bean bag he impulsively bought. The cat-like captain chuckled, tossing the keys on the table and making his way to the kitchen.

"I'm gonna grab a drink, want anything?" Kuroo reached for a beer, glancing back at the ball that was Bokuto Koutaro in a bean bag.

"Apple juice." he said, bouncing excitedly.

The door creaked again, grabbing the pair's attention as they both saw a very stressed and very tired Akaashi enter the apartment.

"Good to know my roommates could've been murdered because they don't know how to close a door." the sarcastic remark had a little less bite to it.

Bokuto's head popped up goofily, "Akaashi!!"

**Author's Note:**

> More chapters are to come, I promise! I'm just dead exhausted and in pain rn so yknow


End file.
